A Funny Story From Cassy

A WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

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MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white20smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

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TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mil e. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It’s a whole new life for me.

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WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

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THURSDAY:

Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late – it took me that long to tie my =2 0 shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.

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FRIDAY:

I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach o r the choir director?

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SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

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SUNDAY:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun — like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Lets Talk About Thyroid Conditions & The Possiblities

Because my occupation is “Personal Trainer” and the fact that 95% of my clients are women, I have prepared a post in regards to thyroid conditions.  Seldom but occasionally a client who seems to be doing all she should be yet her body fat remains the same.  Its frustrating for me and extremely saddening for her. Believe me when I say “I want nothing more than for you to obtain your goal!” I really do.

Before you jump to the conclusion that you are among the 1 in 8 women with a thyroid condition it is imperative that you can pass this test:

• 1. Are you training with weights 3-4 times each week and burning roughly 400-500 calories each session?
• 2. Are you participating in a cardio program 3-4 times each week for 45 minutes or more?
• 3. Are you eating 5-6 meals 7 days a week?
• 4. Do you track your caloric consumption along with other nutrients such as protein, fiber, fat, carbohydrates, and proteins?
• 5. Do you stay under 1500 calories 90% of the time?
• 6. Do you Exceed 100 grams of protein nearly every day?
• 7. Do you consume 80-120 oz of water daily?

If you answered no to one or more of these questions the truth is you have some work to do.

I understand all of this may sound overwhelming, but you must be able to answer yes to all of these questions before we can assume that another force is preventing your success such as a hypothyroid condition.

Let’s assume you answered yes to all of the questions and discuss 3 common thyroid malfunctions.  Before we dive into it I will explain the function of the thyroid to the best of my limited ability (given I am not a doctor).

Function: The thyroid gland manufactures and stores thyroid hormone (TH), often referred to as the body’s metabolic hormone. Among other actions, TH stimulates enzymes that combine oxygen and glucose, a process that increases your basal metabolic rate (BMR) which is the rate at which your metabolism operates. In addition the TH controls the production of body heat. The hormone also helps maintain blood pressure, regulates tissue growth and development and is critical for skeletal and nervous system development. It also plays an important role in the development of the reproductive system.

With all of that being stated it is safe to say the thyroid hormone plays a VERY important role in our existence.

3 Common Thyroid Malfunctions:

• 1. Releasing too little TH resulting in a condition known as hypothyroidism (underactive thyroid)
• 2. Releasing too much TH, resulting in a condition known as hyperthyroidism (overactive thyroid)
• 3. Its tissue can overgrow, resulting in a nodule, a small lump in part of the gland. Most nodules are harmless growths, but some are cancerous. In fact, according to the American Thyroid Association, about one in 10 thyroid nodules are cancerous. And the National Cancer Institute estimates that about one percent of all cancers diagnosed in the United States each year are thyroid cancers.

In this post I will only discuss hypothyroidism because most of you would probably not object to hyperthyroidism given it results in weight loss.

Hypothyroidism is often overlooked because there are far too many conditions related to the common symptoms.  The symptoms are:

• Fatigue
• Depression
• Low body temperature
• Weight gain
• Dry itch skin
• Thin, dry hair/hair loss
• Puffy face, hands, and feet
• Slow heart rate
• Constipation
• Poor memory
• Trouble with concentration (Gail! Lol)
• Hoarseness/husky voice
• Irregular or heavy menstruation
• Muscle aches
• Infertility
• High cholesterol
• Goiter (enlarged thyroid gland)

Ok now that’s a lot and you may jump to the conclusion that you must have it. Don’t!  Just take note of these and make sure you can honestly answer yes to the above questions.

Also note that if you are on medications they can play a role in the lack of body fat reduction.  Please leave comments and play an active role in the solution.